So I got to the hospital (NO THANKS TO ANY OF YOU!). Don't even ask how- the experience is still to fresh, un. BUT NOW, I have to walk around with this STUPID-ASS CANE!! 

WHICH IS NOT CUTE AT ALL, YEAH. 
Fuck you, Uchiha.

You are dead to me.

Somebody help, un!!! THE FUCKTARD SHOT ME IN THE FOOT.


AND HE REFUSES TO TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

 Who wants to be a model for a painting, yeah?

SASORI-DANNA~- I know you want to, yeah! it can be a nude painting~

Good morning, my dear~

Name: Deidara
Age: 19
Position: Waiter
What have you been doing while the store has been closed?
Working with the Japanese CIA developing a new war bomb. 






I FUCKING WISH, UN. Seriously, yeah? Do we have to tell, like, the truth here? ...Yeah? Fuck you, un. 

(Attempt #2) What have you been doing while the store has been closed?
Fixed my kitchen, yeah, since it had been EXPLODED by SOMEONE. Sorted my stuffed animals by name, then species, then name, then colour, then- I dunno if I like it by colour, though. What should I sort them by, then? Age? But that's so stuffy. Cuteness? But I just can't pick one!!!! How could I make Theodore #1 when I just got Miss Lady???? And if I pick one, everyone else will be jealous and then all this drama will start. Haley will begin to scratch people again and Jo will get angry at Ellen who'll start picking on Miss Lady (poor Miss Lady! She's only been here a few days!) and then Miss Lady will hate her life so much she rip all her stuffing out! DON'T DO IT MISS LADY!

asklj





She's fine, don't worry. I stopped her before it could get serious. 

So where was I, un? Oh, yeah~ So, sorted my stuffed animals, went shopping, dragged Itachi out shopping..... OH! I worked at Shu Uemura! It was SO COOL. Everyone was so nice and the store was so elegantly decorated and there were so many cute girls that would just come in and be like: 'Oh, what should I get?' and I'd be like: 'Don't worry, hun, we have the perfect thing for you' It was almost like working at the Cafe, but better dressed~ Un....

Ahhhh. Do we have to go back to work?

Leader-samaaaa, I'm going to be away all next week on a trip to China to visit my aunt, yeah. I know you guys will miss me, but don't let that keep you from having fun while I'm gone. 

Itachi-pii, I know you'll miss me the most, un.

P.S. Tobi, don't you fucking dare go into my apartment. It's in prime condition (and has taken me months to get it that way!)

OOC: I'm actually going to be away until next Thrusday, so Deidara will be inactive until then!

 GUYS. It's the end of January! Which can only mean one thing: it's almost February! Which can only mean one thing, yeah: VALENTINE'S DAY.

Let's decorate the cafe again, un! I went shopping yesterday and found the most perfect tablecloths! They're white with these cute lace frills and pink hearts and Cupids! They are the SO CUTE, un. We HAVE TO USE THEM. And they also had matching plates and cups and I CAN'T WAIT.

TOBI.


MY APARTMENT IS CLEAN.


WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Five minutes Itachi, yeah. Don't be late!!!

JUST HAVE SEX


ALREADY.

I am completely serious, yeah. Hidan, Itachi: I want you two to go to Pein's office, or meet at ASS or in the street or in the church or where ever you fuck and I want you to RELIEVE SOME STRESS because fuck, un, you could cut the sexual tension between you two with a knife.

God, un.

ITACHI.

IT WAS THOSE UGLY, BALD, FAT,

LEATHER- WEARING FUCKERS.

IT WAS THEM.

THEY STOLE JASHIN!!!

THEY STOLE OUR MASCOT!!!!

THEY STOLE HIM FROM RIGHT UNDER

YOUR NOSE!! i have no fucking clue how. how did they catch him?

But, yeah. I found the ransom note. They must've sent it to me by accident (what idiots, un). It's dated last Monday... Which is strange, 'cause I only found it today. I guess my floor kinda swallowed it up! It does that sometimes. Seriously, yeah. Things go missing for weeks and all of a sudden there it is, just lying on the floor! Cool, huh? Keeps me company, though, when Theodore and Mallory are having a stuffs-only party (the meanies). It wriggles!

So, un, WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO SAVE JASHIN, YEAH! I'll get the bombs~

September twenty-third, two thousand and eight, four- I mean: fifteen hundred hours. I'm standing outside of Itachi's room. It is quiet, yeah. Too quiet. He's been-

[a deep voice is heard from far off, sounding angry and violent. Deidara's voice turns away from the microphone.]

Leave me the fuck alone, Biker-dude!! I didn't steal your stupid twinkies!

Damn asshole. Why the fuck does he need twinkies? He's fat enough already, yeah. Sweats like a monkey and smells like a dirty ape...

[quiet, angry mumblings for a few moments before Deidara returns]

Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes. Itachi's been home for about a week now, but no one has seen or heard from him. He never leaves his apartment. However, if one listens hard enough, one can just hear the sound of scrubbing coming from behind his closed door.

It is time to investigate, to go into the weasel's natural habitat and see what is going on.

[A door is carefully pushed open. The sounds of someone wiping a smooth surface drifts into the background. Deidara's voice drops to a whisper]

There he is, cleaning at his already spotless table. I was in here once when he was away and there was barely a thin layer of dust, un, but he's still cleaning like a madman. We have to approach him carefully, yeah... No sudden movements....

[a sharp gasp is heard]

We've been spotted!!! THE WEASEL IS ON THE ATTACK!!! RETREAT!!!! [running footsteps sound loudly through the mic. Listeners can hear Deidara's labored breathing]

I'm almost out!! Just a few more steps--- YES! FREEDO- OH GOD!!! IT'S A MICHELINA- [a loud smack is heard as something hard and solid connects with flesh. The mic is drops to the ground with a crash. There is a solid thump of a body hitting the floor. Nothing can be heard for a few minutes. Then, light footsteps approach, the sound of something being picked up, then a quiet voice.]

I need this for later.

[There is a muffled sound as the mic is picked up and dragged somewhere. Heavy breathing can be heard. a creaky door is pushed open. Deidara's voice comes through, strained and near hysterical] Not that bug.... THAT BUG!!!!

[There's a moments pause, only the slight shift of a body turning around is heard, a few seconds of pure nothingness goes by when. There is a loud yell from Itachi that is quickly turned into an indignant one] What the fuck? What the fuck is that thing?! [The Uchiha suddenly falls silent again and  there are steps advancing towards the mic and brushing roughly past it, mumbling is clearly heard] Fucking pig sty, need cleaners, must not let the infestation spread, must contain them. That thing isn't fucking natural, not natural at all...[fades out]

[Deidara lets out a squeak] Itachi!! Itachi DON'T LEAVE ME! [a surprised shout] GAHH!! There it is!!! [shifting is heard, hesitation before Deidara lets out a loud yell] GYAAAHHH!!! [the sound of a fist connecting with something is heard. A loud crack rings. Silence. Then quietly,] ....Did I get it? [small amount of hope] I think I- HOLY HELL!!! [there is a loud thud as the mic is dropped to the ground. Screams are heard.] IT'S ON ME. IT'S ON ME!!!! ITACHI!! GET IT OFF!!!

[there is an audible click, and the sound of breathing coming through a gas mask. Only seconds later something that sounds like mass aerosol cans being used at once is heard, and continues solidly for the next 3 minutes]

[there is muffled coughing in the background] Itachi- [hacking] It---achi---- I CAN'T- [a loud gasp] Stop, un! I DON'T HAVE A MASK!

[the spraying only continues, muffled voice speaking through gas mask. How much is actually heard clearly is entirely dependant on how good ones ears are] You are just as dirty as this fucking appartment!

[Deidara's voice is surprisingly faint and hoarse] I'm melting....

[spray is slowly dying down] Die, Flilth! [there is a solid thump of a body hitting the floor]

[the spray stops completely] Heh, [the light click of a door shutting follows]

[Deidara's voice is faintly heard] It...achi? ...... I can't feel my legs, un.... Itachi?? ... Fuc- [there's a sharp tug on the mic and the sound is cut]

[the microphone is hastily turned on, fumbled and dropped. A panicked curse is heard and a soft thump as the mic is replaced on the desk. Then a shrill voice comes through, yelling very loudly]

ITACHI!!! ITACHI OPEN YOUR FUCKING DOOR!! NOW!!!! [a breath is taken,let out shakily. He doesn't sound very stable] OH MY GOD. You have to see this thing! [his voice breaks at the end of the sentence] There's this huge bug.... IN MY SHOWER.

GET IT OUT.

HAPPY






BELATED





BIRTHDAY






ITACHI-






SKINNAMARINKY








DINKYDINK






PONNIPONRAHRAH








UNUNYEAHHMCHIII







I hope you enjoyed your breakfast, yeah. I had to book it outta there pretty fast though, cause I'm sure the smell woulda woken you even if you were dead. And you've mighta inhaled me with all the food!

Itachi. I just saw your cat fly from your window to the apartment next door.

What have you been feeding him?!